ForumsDealing with Racism as a CoupleAnyone else deal with rude comments every time you go out together?
Anyone else deal with rude comments every time you go out together?
My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year now. I’m Black and he’s Korean, and we live in Atlanta. Most of the time we’re fine, but every so often somebody has to make it weird when we’re just trying to eat or shop. Last weekend at a Thai spot in Decatur, this older guy kept staring at us and then made some comment like “that’s an interesting mix” loud enough for us to hear. My boyfriend got quiet and I could tell he was pissed, but he didn’t say anything. I froze too because I never know whether to ignore it or shut it down.
It’s not even just strangers. His aunt still refuses to call me by my name and keeps saying stuff like “when you have kids…” like I’m not sitting right there. My own cousin made some ugly joke about me “bringing home a K-pop boyfriend” and acted like I was being sensitive when I called it out. I’m honestly tired. How do y’all handle the public stuff without letting it ruin the whole night? And how do you keep family from acting disrespectful without turning every holiday into a fight?
5d ago
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2 repliesC
Chris TanakaHonestly, the staring and little comments can get to you more than the big obvious stuff. My partner and I are in Philly, and we started using code words when something feels off. Like if one of us says “let’s bounce,” that means no debate, we’re leaving. It helps a lot when you’re already annoyed and don’t want to argue in the middle of a restaurant.
For the family thing, I’ve learned silence gets read as permission. My partner’s uncle used to make those fake-jokey comments and after a while my partner finally said, “That’s not funny, don’t talk about me or my relationship like that.” It was awkward as hell, but it changed the tone. People hate being called out, but sometimes that’s the only thing they understand.
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Andre M.PREMIUMWe went through something similar when I was dating my wife. I’m Mexican and she’s white, and people used to feel way too comfortable saying dumb stuff in public. What helped us was deciding ahead of time who would respond and how. Sometimes I’d handle it, sometimes she would, and sometimes we’d both just leave. Sounds simple, but having a plan kept us from freezing up.
For family, I had to get really direct with my mom. No big speech, just: if you can’t be respectful to her, we won’t be coming around as often. It took a few months, but once she realized we were serious, the comments slowed down a lot. It sucks having to parent grown adults, but honestly boundaries saved our peace.
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