Forums African Diaspora Interracial DatingDating as a Nigerian woman in Toronto is not what I expected

Dating as a Nigerian woman in Toronto is not what I expected

BASIC

15 posts

I moved to Toronto from Lagos about 5 years ago and honestly I thought dating would be easier here, but it’s been a lot more confusing than I expected. Back home, people kind of knew what the path was supposed to look like, even if it was messy. Here I’ve dated a few Canadian guys and one Jamaican-Canadian man, and the biggest issue has been that they don’t really understand the family side of things. My mom still wants to know everything, my aunties are always asking when I’ll bring somebody home, and then the guys I meet act like that level of involvement is strange or “too much.” I met this guy on Hinge a few months ago, he’s white and really sweet, but he got weird when I explained that if things got serious my family would definitely have opinions about marriage, religion, and even where we live. He said he liked me but didn’t want to feel like he had to “date my whole culture.” That hurt a bit, because for me it’s not even about performance, it’s just life. Has anyone else dealt with this? I’m trying to figure out if I’m asking for too much or if I just keep picking people who don’t get what diaspora dating is like.

2d ago

127

2 replies

Tasha Williams

#1 · 1d ago

I feel this so much. I’m Ghanaian-American and my boyfriend is from Montreal, and the first time he came to a family cookout in Queens he looked completely lost lol. Not in a mean way, just like he didn’t realize how much aunties are part of the relationship package. What helped was being super clear early instead of hoping they’d figure it out later. Like, I told him straight up that my mom was gonna ask questions, my uncle was gonna give his opinion, and that doesn’t mean anyone is controlling me. Honestly, the right person won’t hear “family” and assume it means drama only. They’ll ask how to fit in. If the guy says he doesn’t want to date your culture, that’s him being honest, and painful as that is, it’s better now than after you’re emotionally deep in it.

Rachel KimBASIC

#2 · 17h ago

I’m a Black American man married to a Kenyan woman, and the biggest lesson for us was that intercultural dating needs way more direct communication than people think. I used to take some of the family stuff personally, like why does your aunt need to know my salary or why are we discussing our future after only a few months? But once I understood that those questions are about security and seriousness, not just nosiness, it got easier. One thing I’d suggest is not shrinking your life to make someone comfortable. If you need someone who can handle a close family dynamic, say that early. There are people in Toronto who get it, but you may have to filter harder on Hinge or Bumble. I’d also look for guys who have dated outside their own background before, not because it guarantees anything, but because they usually don’t panic when culture shows up in the relationship.