Forums Military & Interracial FamiliesDeployment is hitting different this time with the kids and all the comments

Deployment is hitting different this time with the kids and all the comments

16 posts

My husband left for a 9-month deployment two weeks ago and I’m not gonna lie, this one feels heavier than the last. I’m white, he’s Jamaican, and our two kids look way more like him than me, which usually doesn’t bother me at all. But now that he’s gone, I’m the one answering all the questions at school, the doctor’s office, and basically everywhere else. Last week at Target a cashier kept asking if I was their nanny, and I know she probably thought she was being friendly, but I came home so annoyed I could barely talk. I’m trying to keep things normal for the kids and not make everything about the deployment, but I also don’t want to just swallow every comment. How do you all handle being the solo parent during deployment, especially when people make assumptions about your family?

Mar 26

134

2 replies

David Okafor

#1 · Mar 26

Ugh, I’m sorry. People really do say the weirdest stuff like it’s nothing. My wife is Mexican and I’m Black, and when I was deployed she dealt with the same kind of nonsense with our daughter. Folks would ask if she was the babysitter, or if our daughter was adopted, like there was no other possibility. It gets old fast. What helped us was having a few prepared lines so she didn’t have to think on the spot. Something simple like “Actually I’m her mom” or “Nope, just my kid” and then keep it moving. It sounds small, but it gave her some control back. Also, if the school has a counselor or military family support person, use them. You shouldn’t have to carry all of it alone.

David Okafor

#2 · Mar 26

I’ve been the one overseas while my wife held it down back in El Paso, and I think people forget the home side is doing deployment too. The mental load is real. She said the hardest part wasn’t even the parenting, it was being “the representative” for our whole family every time somebody got nosy or ignorant. One thing that saved her was finding other deployment spouses on the base spouse page and a little group chat through WhatsApp. They’d vent, swap grocery tips, and check in when one of the kids had a rough day. If you can, lean into whatever support group is actually active near you. And for the comments, don’t feel bad about being blunt. You don’t owe strangers a soft answer when they’re being rude.