ForumsTransracial Adoption & FamiliesHow do you handle people staring when your family doesn't match?
How do you handle people staring when your family doesn't match?
We’re a mixed family through adoption — my wife and I are Latina and white, and our two boys are both Korean American. We live in suburban Atlanta now, and most days are fine, but every time we go to Target or the park there’s at least one person who does the double take. Sometimes it’s just a look, other times people ask straight-up if they’re “ours,” which still catches me off guard even after all these years.
Our older son is 9 and he’s started noticing it too. He asked me last weekend why strangers keep trying to guess where he’s from, and I honestly froze a little. I said something about people being curious in a rude way, but I’m not sure that was enough. How do you guys handle those moments without making your kid feel like a spectacle? I want them to feel proud of who they are, not like they need to explain themselves everywhere we go. Any tips for what to say in the moment would help a lot.
6d ago
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2 repliesD
DeAndre W.I’m an adoptee and now a parent through adoption too, and I think the biggest thing is giving your sons language before the awkward stuff happens. My parents never prepped me, so I always felt blindsided. My wife and I role-played a few scenarios with our kid when he was around 7, which sounds cheesy, but it helped. We practiced simple responses like “I’m Korean American” or “I’m adopted” only if he wants to share that.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with letting them see you notice it too. If someone stares too long, I’ll sometimes say to my son, “Yeah, that was rude,” and then we move on. It validates what he saw instead of pretending everything’s fine. That honesty seems to make him more confident, weirdly enough.
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Mike HernandezWe get this all the time too, and I’ve found it helps to have a few ready-made lines so you’re not making it up under pressure. We’re in Minneapolis, and when people ask nosy stuff I usually just say, “Yep, they’re ours,” and keep it moving. If they keep going, I’ll shut it down a little harder. My daughter actually started using, “Why do you ask?” and that stops a lot of people cold.
For the kids, I try to separate the stranger’s weirdness from their identity. Like, “That person was being nosy, not you being out of place.” It took me a while to get comfortable saying that out loud, but it made a difference. They shouldn’t have to carry other people’s lack of manners around with them.
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