Forums First-Generation & Immigrant DatingMy mom says I’m “too American” for dating this guy… how do you even balance both worlds?

My mom says I’m “too American” for dating this guy… how do you even balance both worlds?

Tyler R.

15 posts

Tyler R.

So I’m 28, born and raised in Queens, but my parents are from Bangladesh and home is still very much “our culture first.” I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months now, he’s Black, born in Jersey, and honestly he’s been really sweet to me. We met on Hinge and the connection has been easy in a way I’m not used to. He’s respectful, always checks in, and he actually asks about my family and traditions instead of making weird assumptions. The problem is my mom found out I was dating him because she saw his name on my phone when he texted. She didn’t yell or anything, but she gave me that silent disappointed look, which somehow feels worse. She asked me if he “understands our way of life” and said I’ve become too American and don’t think about family enough. I get where she’s coming from, but it still hurt because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I’m never enough of either thing — not American enough for some people, not Bangladeshi enough for my parents. I haven’t told my dad yet, and I’m kind of stressed because I know once he finds out, the conversation is going to get intense. Has anyone else dealt with this weird middle ground where your relationship feels good but your family makes you feel like you’re betraying something? I don’t want to hide him forever, but I also don’t want to blow up at home over this.

Mar 11

182

3 replies

Chris Tanaka

#1 · Mar 11

Girl, I feel this so hard. I’m Indian-American and my parents used to say the exact same “too American” stuff whenever I dated anyone they didn’t already approve of. It’s like they want you to be modern but only on their terms. The weirdest part is that sometimes they don’t even know the person, they just hear one detail and decide the whole thing. What helped me was moving slow and not framing it as some huge rebellion. I introduced my boyfriend as just someone I’m seeing and let my mom get used to the idea first before she met him. She still had opinions, obviously, but seeing that he was polite and serious made a difference. I think sometimes parents just need time to adjust, even if they act like they don’t.

Tasha Williams

#2 · Mar 12

The “not enough of either” thing is so real. I’m Filipino and my husband is Black, and before we got married my aunties acted like I was erasing my whole family. Meanwhile my husband was over here learning how to make pancit and showing up to every ugly Christmas sweater party my relatives threw. People get hung up on the idea of culture like it’s fragile glass. You’re not betraying anyone by dating somebody decent. You may have to be patient with your parents, but don’t let guilt make you shrink your relationship. If this guy is solid, that matters. The rest is family drama, and family drama usually takes time.

Rachel KimBASIC

#3 · Mar 13

I’m a dad now, but when I was younger my Cuban mom lost it when I started dating my wife, who’s white. At first it felt like I was choosing sides, and I hated that feeling. What I learned later is that a lot of immigrant parents are scared, not just judgmental. They worry about you losing the language, the holidays, the family closeness, all of it. That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter. But maybe try talking to your mom about the actual guy, not the race part first. If she can see that he respects you and your family boundaries, it may soften things. And if not, then at least you know you tried being honest instead of hiding.