Forums Pacific Islander & Polynesian InterracialMy Samoan family keeps asking when my boyfriend is gonna “step up” lol

My Samoan family keeps asking when my boyfriend is gonna “step up” lol

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I’m from Auckland, Samoan/Filipino, and I’ve been dating a white guy for about 8 months now. He’s sweet, very steady, shows up, all that, but my family keeps acting like they’re waiting for him to prove himself in some big dramatic way. My mum likes him enough, but my uncles keep joking that he’s too quiet and not “masculine” enough because he doesn’t talk over everybody at family stuff. I keep telling them he’s just respectful, but they don’t always see it like that. We had a family lunch in South Auckland last weekend and he brought homemade lasagna because he can’t cook island food well yet. He tried though, which I thought was cute, but my cousin whispered that he should’ve at least brought keke or something. I kinda laughed it off, but it stuck with me. Does anyone else deal with that weird pressure where your partner is expected to fit into your culture perfectly right away? I love that he’s trying, but I also don’t want him to feel like he’s on trial every time he comes around.

3d ago

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2 replies

connor odeaVIPADMIN

#1 · 3d ago

I’m Hawaiian and dated a guy from San Diego who went through the same thing with my family. He was trying so hard to impress everybody that it came off stiff at first, and my grandma hated that lol. Once I told him to stop performing and just be himself, it got better fast. Maybe your guy just needs more time to find his place. Also, your family probably isn’t really asking him to be perfect, they’re probably checking if he can handle the reality of being with you and your people. That’s a lot different. If he keeps being respectful, he’ll earn them over.

DeAndre W.

#2 · 2d ago

Yep, totally get this. I’m Tongan and my husband is Māori/Pākehā, and the first year was full of little tests from the family. Not malicious exactly, just that island-family way of sizing someone up. My dad kept saying, “He better be humble,” every time he came over. It took a while, but once they saw he was consistent and not just acting nice for show, they relaxed. Honestly, showing up matters more than trying to be perfect. My husband still can’t pronounce half my aunties’ names right and my cousins clown him for it, but he’s there every Sunday, helps set up tables, and remembers who likes what. That stuff goes a long way.