ForumsOpen Relationships & Partner AgreementsNeed advice on revisiting our open relationship rules after a rough check-in
Need advice on revisiting our open relationship rules after a rough check-in
Me and my girlfriend have been together just over 3 years, I'm Black and she's Filipina, and we've been open for about 8 months now. We live in Houston and mostly keep things pretty low-key, but lately the check-ins have been getting a little tense. At first it was just dating separately, no sleepovers, tell each other if anything starts feeling serious. Simple enough. But now she says she feels weird about how often I’m on Feeld, and I’ll admit I got a little too casual about mentioning dates after the fact instead of before. Not proud of that.
Last weekend we had one of those talks that starts out calm and then turns into both of us sitting on opposite ends of the couch, not really mad but definitely hurt. She brought up feeling like she’s always the one asking questions, and I brought up feeling like every little detail has to be approved, which made me shut down. We both agreed we don’t want to close things back up, but I think our agreement needs a real reset. How do y’all handle changing the rules without making it feel like somebody is losing?
Mar 16
18
2 repliesS
Sarah M.BASICHonestly, I think the biggest thing is separating “agreement” from “permission.” Once it starts feeling like you need approval for every little thing, people get defensive fast. My husband and I had to redo ours after about a year open, and we ended up putting everything in writing, even the boring stuff like when to text if plans change and what counts as a heads-up versus a full discussion. We’re in Atlanta and met a couple of our more useful friends through OKCupid of all places, but the real fix was the check-in structure, not the app.
Maybe try doing one talk that is only about feelings, and another talk that is only about rules. We made that split because otherwise we’d be arguing about jealousy while also negotiating logistics, and it was a mess. It sounds like you both still want this, so I wouldn’t treat the rough patch like a failure. Just make the expectations more specific so nobody’s guessing.
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Brittany S.BASICI’ll be real, the fact that you said you mentioned dates after the fact might be the part she’s stuck on, even if you didn’t mean anything bad by it. In open stuff, timing matters a lot. If my partner waited until after a date to tell me, I’d probably feel blindsided too, even if the date was harmless. That stuff lands different depending on how secure somebody is feeling that week.
What worked for me and my ex was a weekly Sunday check-in, same time every week, no phones, no distractions, and we each had to answer the same three questions: anything making you uncomfortable, anything you need from me, anything you want to change. It sounds kind of formal, but it took a lot of pressure off random arguments. If y’all are both from different backgrounds too, I’d be extra careful not to assume you’re interpreting “respect” the same way.
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