Forums Transracial Adoption & FamiliesNew to transracial adoption and feeling a little lost about culture stuff

New to transracial adoption and feeling a little lost about culture stuff

13 posts

We adopted our 4-year-old daughter last year from foster care, and honestly, I thought I had a decent handle on things until we got home and started living it every day. My husband and I are both white, she’s Black, and now that she’s old enough to notice things, she’s asking questions I don’t always know how to answer. Stuff like why her hair is different, why the librarian at our branch in Oak Park was the only one who knew how to do cornrows, and why nobody in our family looks like her. I want to do right by her, but I also don’t want to make everything weird and over-explain her life to her. We’ve started going to a local Black-owned children’s bookstore in Chicago and I’ve joined a couple Facebook groups, but it still feels like I’m fumbling. If anyone has been through this, how did you build a real connection to culture without making it feel forced? Also, if you found a hair salon that actually knows what they’re doing with little kids, I’d take those recs too. I swear I’ve watched like 40 YouTube videos and still managed to mess up wash day twice this month.

Mar 16

2 replies

Brittany S.BASIC

#1 · Mar 16

I’m a Black adoptee raised by a white mom, and I just want to say the fact that you’re asking is a good sign. The awkward part is real, but the bigger issue is whether she gets consistent exposure to Black adults who aren’t just there for a special event. Church, sports, dance class, neighbors, babysitters — regular life stuff. My mom did one thing that stuck with me: she never pretended to have all the answers. If I asked about hair or racism or why I felt different, she’d say, “I’m learning too, but I’m here with you.” That honesty helped a lot. Also, if you’re in Chicago, try searching for salons in Bronzeville or on the South Side that mention natural hair kids — a lot of them are more used to little ones than the big downtown places.

Mike Hernandez

#2 · Mar 16

You’re not alone at all. We’re in Philly and adopted our son when he was 3, and I had the exact same panic around culture stuff. What helped me most was letting go of the idea that I had to make everything perfect right away. We found a Black barber on South Street who was super kind about teaching us basics, and honestly that relationship mattered more than me buying all the right books at once. For questions, I try to answer straight and simple, then leave space for more later. Like if she asks why her hair is different, I’ll say because lots of people have different hair textures and hers needs special care, and that’s normal and beautiful. Then we talk about what she wants, not just what I think she should know. It’s been a lot of small steady things instead of one big cultural lesson.