Trying to figure out if this can actually become real life
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half and she’s honestly the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. I’m Black, she’s Japanese American, and we met while she was visiting Chicago for work. We’ve been doing the long-distance thing ever since—she’s back in San Francisco now, and I’m still here in Chicago. We talk every day on FaceTime, usually while one of us is on the train or making coffee, but it’s starting to feel like we’re always talking about when we’ll see each other next instead of just being together.
The big issue now is she’s talking about moving here eventually, but her job is way more stable than mine and she’s close to her family in Oakland. I want to be the reason she feels safe making that move, not another thing she has to gamble on. We’ve been looking at apartments on Zillow like it’s a hobby, but I keep wondering if we’re rushing it. How do you know when a long-distance relationship is ready for closing the gap, especially when one person is the one giving up more?
5d ago
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2 repliesB
Brittany S.BASICI went through something similar with my husband. He was in Philly and I was in Amsterdam, and I was the one with the better job and the bigger support system. What made it work was us not treating the move like a “romantic leap” but a practical decision. We talked about money, career options, what happens if one of us hates the new city, all that unsexy stuff.
If she’s stable where she is, I’d be careful about asking her to move before you’ve got a realistic picture of what her life would look like in Chicago. That doesn’t mean don’t do it, just make sure she’s not only moving for you. The best sign for us was when the move started feeling like it would improve both our lives, not just save the relationship.
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Priya PatelPREMIUMHonestly, I think the fact that you’re worried about her sacrificing too much is a good sign. A lot of people just want the other person to uproot everything and call it love. That usually gets messy fast, especially in interracial relationships where family opinions and cultural stuff can already be a lot.
My boyfriend moved from Miami to Detroit for me last year, and what helped was setting a trial mindset. We told ourselves, “Let’s try one year and see how it feels,” instead of acting like it had to be forever on day one. It took a lot of pressure off. Maybe talk about a version where she comes for a set period first, or you both pick a city together later instead of defaulting to yours.
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